What’s in a name?

Spencer's name was one we thought long and hard about. In the end we had 3 finalists, but I think even before we went to the hospital we knew it would be Spencer.

It was a name we both loved. A name we thought we would be saying regularly for the rest of our lives.

Instead, it is a name that while we will stay say for the rest of our lives, it isn't said for the same reasons or as often as we expected.

No yelling down the hall to stop doing something or teaching him how to spell it or saying his full name when I meant business.

Now it is said as we think of him, remember him, talk about him.

His middle name was Donovan, after both my husbands grandfathers. It fit perfectly.

Now. Now we have to think of a new name. A name we will hopefully be saying often and joyously and angrily the rest of our lives. I thought about doing another middle name for the grandfathers, but that seemed like we were saying naming Spencer after them wasn't enough. That just isn't true.

I thought of doing an S middle name in honor of Spencer, but that seemed like putting a lot on a child who would grow up knowing the sibling who isn't there already loomed large. We never want this child to feel they are a replacement or wouldn't be here if Spencer was or any of that, and adding a memorial name for their brother seemed to put more on that.

So, now we think. We think of names we liked before and know we chose not to use them for a reason. We start over with the feeling we were done with names, we had found the ones that fit our family. We start again. We find a new name that fits our family in an unexpected but perfect way all on it's own.

What's in a name? an awful lot, and sometimes it feels awful.