Deja Vu

It feels like deja vu. The holidays, the timelines, knowing we will be back in the hospital just a few weeks past the anniversary of losing him, awaiting the arrival of his younger sibling.

Sometimes it feels like a disservice...is it too soon? are we not mourning or honoring him enough? will people think we moved on from something you never move on from?

On the other hand, we are honoring him by continuing to live, by growing the family he watches over, by adding to the siblings who will always know who Spencer was and will be able to think of him as they grow.

Last Thanksgiving was the first in our new home, barely a month after we moved in. So much to celebrate. It is odd to be in that place again, celebrating the upcoming arrival of our son, just as we did last year, but knowing we are also still missing the son that should have been here for this.

Our joy around this new child doesn't mean going through Christmas, knowing it was to be Spencer's first, and it isn't while being pregnant again and thinking about a new stocking, and thinking about the stocking that won't be there, isn't hard.

This was last X-Mas. So excited to meet the little man. How similar this xmas will look- and how different it should. Kenzie will be bigger, but if we dressed the same, she would be the only indication that it was a different year. A different child we are waiting on. It is unsettling and ok and not ok and so many things.

It is celebrating something we celebrated last year- but knowing it is different and for a different child, and mourning what should have been and isn't.

I know walking into that Hospital in April, will be difficult. The deja vu around the entire planned c-section experience. Especially for anther son, just seems daunting. I was there yesterday for a test and got to see one of the people who were there for us the most with Spencer. It was re-assuring and calming. We hopefully will not see her in the NICU, but hope to have the ability for her to meet the new addition while there. As well as any others who were with us through our Spencer journey. It feels right.

It is not lost on me that we will bring this new child into the world between the time we received Spencers ashes last year, and when we planted his tree. The only time he was home with us before being given the proper memory of his tree.

It was a heavy and hard time for us.

It is not an easy feeling. There is no just sad, just joyful. It is a heavy mix that makes this journey a bittersweet one that we fight for, and sometimes I fight against, but that means the world to us.