A boy is not just a boy

We are having a son at the end of April, as many of you know.

I am terrified. But not for the reasons most of you think.

Yes- the unknown scares me. Stepping into that hospital again, scares me. Waiting for his arrival while holding my breath for that first cry, scares me. Crossing my fingers that he opens his eyes when he should and feeling the relief that will come with it, scares me.

But there is something that scares me just as much- if not more.

Losing another piece of Spencer.

I know, it sounds strange, but in the arrival of this new little boy, there is no option but to lose some of Spencer and his presence.

When I hold this child for the first time, Spencer will no longer be the last newborn of mine I held. The day he passed will no longer be the last time an infant of mine rested on my chest.

When this child is born, Spencer will no longer be my only son.

When we talk to Kenzie about her brother- we will need to clarify which one we mean.

Already she is a bit confused on the babys room not being Spencer's room anymore and when we talk about her brother coming, she sometimes points to Spencers picture.

When this child comes home, the bed he will be in, the room that will eventually be his- were all supposed to have had another little boy in them first- but never did.

As this child grows, it will mark the first milestones I pass with a son. I never passed any with Spencer.

When he hits 6 weeks old, he will surpass his older brother in age. Something I used to joke about doing with my own older sister. Always telling her, one day I would be older. I hope that day never comes. But at 6 weeks, this baby boy will forever be older than his older brother ever got to be.

When Kenzie speaks of her brother, people will assume she means this child. Not a child who many do not know of. Not a child who never made it home. There won't be questions or looks when she mentions a brother.

Not that we want her to spend her life answering questions or weighing whether or not to say anything about a brother, but even if she mentions brotherS, people might not give it a second thought.

When we mention our son, the same will happen with us. People will assume we mean this child.

As it is, we weigh when we mention having had more than one child, or other references that might introduce the subject of Spencer. But now, that choice is harder. Simply saying 'my son' 'Kenzies brother' 'our other child' won't get that questioning look. The photos on my desk of clearly 2 different babies won't get that extra glance.

There are times talking about him is hard, but I feel like having another son somehow takes more of that ability away. Or makes it feel more forced or awkward if I choose to bring him up.

No matter what, having another child has no choice but to take some of Spencer's force in this family.

This happens in all families when a new child is introduced. Everyone, except the eldest, changes places in line. The youngest loses their baby status. They are no longer the last child their mother held as an infant.

Every family goes through some part of these shifts with new members, but it is always different when the child who's place is shifting, is one that is no longer with you.

I hope it also adds to it, in our small family. I hope we can tell both or kids about their brother and keep more of his memory with us as we do.

We will add an animal to those that sit with Spencer on our dresser. Currently there is a giraffe that was to be to Spencer from Kenzie, a unicorn that was to Kenzie from Spencer and a bunny that was an easter gift for Spencer. They will be joined by an elephant. A gift for Spencer from his new brother. A representation and acknowledgment to our sons who will never meet.

As we approach the halfway point in this pregnancy, we get more excited. More anxious. More thoughts of Spencer come to me at night. I talk with him more about the change coming, and about how we will make sure he is a part of it all. But it is a different experience after our loss. It just is.