Feels like death

I had food poisoning the other week, and once, when my husband came to check in on me and ask how I was doing, I responded 'I feel like death...'

I was in bed at the time and when I turned over I caught a glimpse of the display on our dresser. Spencer's night light, the stuffed animals, the shadow box of his things.

Then- Then I felt like an ASS.

I didn't feel like death. I had held my son while he fu**ing died. I felt like a damn sunshiney unicorn compared to that, and he was the one who passed away.

I literally looked over at our memories and apologized. I told Spence I was sorry and missed him and loved him and days were hard.

I'm human. I will say and do things for the rest of my life that are usually harmless, stupid things, but they will catch me in ways that stop me in my tracks. Force me to take a minute. Give me pause and give me moments to randomly have my son show up to say 'Really mom...?!?!'

So sometimes it will suck, but it still makes me say, 'thanks Spence...' for the dose of reality. The gut check most people will never have, but that is there for me, like my son rolling his eyes and sighing at his ridiculous mom.

Least, that is how I try to see it.

Little elbows from Spencer just giving me grief and reminding me of perspective, and reality.

Love you Spence. Thanks for the reminder.