Newborn Nights

The nights home with a newborn are different for everyone. Some have babies who are calm and content, others have babies who wake the second they are not held. Some eat easily, others fight it.

But no matter what, the first nights home are a BIG moment. Stepping into your home for the first time as a different family than how you last left it, is a strong feeling.

Ours feels somewhat bigger. Not because we are better or more important or anything like that. Hell No.

But because we get to have those moments with this baby at all. We get to bring this baby home.

Because when I hold him in bed at night to give him a bottle, I stare at him in the glow provided by Spencers night light that sits on our dresser. A light we turn on nightly since the day his remains came home.

A reminder of the child that never came home. That we did not get these moments with, and a reminder of how lucky we are to get to share these moments with this little boy.

Spencer (L) Emerson (R) definitely brothers

The house feels more complete now. Like the house itself took a collective breath and is actually settling into us, as we are into it. Like it was waiting for this final piece.

And I don't mean the '1 girl, 1 boy, family of 4' picture we present to the outside world.

No.

I mean here, home, with Spencer all around.

Bringing this baby home was a gauntlet of emotion. It will be for a while, but sitting in our room, looking at Spencers light and the other pieces of his life we keep close, I feel like he is as here as he can be, and he is ok with us making memories with another little boy.

Because while I love PEANUT, and our daughter, there will never be a moment holding a child that I remember more, or will hold closer to me than the last time I held Spencer.

So, tonight, I thank him for letting me hold another little boy and for being there for all of us. My love for Spence grows at the memories I will hold forever, and at the knowledge that he will be there as we all grow, forever.