Always with a Chance of Rain

I live in IL.

We have been practicing social distancing for a while in my home.

Our state just had its highest number of new cases to date, yesterday. (I know it is partly bc of more testing, but still)

We also just cancelled in person school for the rest of the year.

I have been watching my hospitals visitor and COVID restrictions page regularly.

Current status:

No Visitors, with a few exceptions and adjustments.

Three of those exceptions fall under my 'need to watch'

1-NICU, can have two visitors but only one at a time.

We are hoping not to be in the NICU, but you never know, and the 6 weeks we got with Spencer were all in the NICU. There were days it was just me, just my husband and many that were both of us. I can not imagine having that time taken from me, so I am now, more than ever, begging the universe to not put us in the NICU.

2-Laboring mother can have 1 support person.

My husband can be with me from beginning to end, but we will be masked up and minimal in/out ability. Yay!!

3-I will now get Covid testing upon arrival at the hospital, and wait for results before we start any procedures. If I am negative (as I expect) we stay as planned. If I am positive, b/c I am planned c-section, I can push out 6 days and if I have no symptoms, fever, etc during that time, my husband can stay with me and so can baby. If I go into labor during that time, things change.

I am trying to stay positive. At least, we all feel healthy, we expect to proceed as planned on Sunday, and my husband can be with me.

I am holding onto the reasoning behind it all too.

PPE supplies is critical to our care providers. There is nowhere near enough of it. They are on the frontlines and deserve every protection we can offer.

They are doing this to limit any possible exposure as much as possible. (Yes, I know if dad potentially has it, mom does too- and all that argument).

They are not taking these decisions lightly.

I see both sides.

That does not mean, as someone who's delivery's and after have been anything but joyous or easy, that this is not terrifying. That I am not wishing our son had somehow come early and in perfect health so we could already be home, or on our way. That I am not wishing this could all just go away. That just this once, externally high stressors, were not how my pregnancy was described.

I was already scared of having a horrible gut reaction to walking back into an OR for a c-section. I was already scared of this little boy getting here and them not being able to hand him to me the second he was out. I was already scared my husband and I wouldn't be able to hold it all together.

Now? There is the additional fear of simply being in the hospital at all.

*TW*

When Spencer was born, he came out blue. My husband saw him. When the whisked him to the cart I caught a quick glimpse.

It's not an image you forget.

*end TW*

But this time, this time was going to give us a healthy, crying, pink baby and we would have a new delivery memory to sear into our brains and help us both move forward. Because there is NO WAY I am allowing for anything else.

Now.

We are looking at going into the hospital as we hit the peak. As everything is changing by the hour. As we await changes to our stay at home order set to expire in 2 weeks, that we doubt, will.

I joke that the Universe must have some sort of tracker on us. That we did something at some time in a prior life or whatever that has it keeping tabs on us now.

I am grateful I get pregnant so easily and stay pregnant. Don't ever think I am not.

But

I could really do without every single delivery/child of mine having complications. I could do without NICU visits and machines. Surgery's and hospital stays. I could do without the one baby that looks to actually be healthy coming into the world during a pandemic.

But the Universe seems to constantly have other plans.

So I will continue to hope for the best in a bad situation. Angry and upset and dealing with always feeling like there is some cloud following too close behind to ever truly let it just be a forecast full of bright sunshine. I will continue to be grateful for what I do have, and be happy for those around me who have never had to experience the things I have.

But right now, I will do it with a bit more apprehension, fear, uncertainty and the b**ch of a nag known as 'Seriously, wth did I do?"

Baby Boy...my little peanut..this is not the world we thought we were bringing you into, but we will try our best to get you here as safely as possible and to be there for you in this crazy time.