Remains

Today is a weird day.

1 year ago today, we received Spencer's remains.

A small tin, tucked into a white paper bag with tissue and tied with a thin green ribbon.

Yeah.

Not how you picture them being delivered, is it.

Wasn't what we were expecting either.

Don't get me wrong, the funeral home had been easy to work with, understanding and helpful when needed,

But when they came to the house to drop off his remains, a gift bag resembling what you walk out of a mall jewelry store with, was not the image we had in our heads.

It was a hard day, but also not a day we had much time to reflect on. It was a weekend. Kenzie was home and was happily, obliviously playing and wanting attention.

So, we pulled ourselves together, tucked things away, and continued to be Kenzie's parents for the rest of the day.

Once she was in bed that night, we allowed ourselves time to really take it in. I tossed the 'gift bag' and ribbon. Carefully removing the small tin.

We took a minute to just stare at it. So small, and light. How did this possibly contain all that was our son, it just didn't make sense.

We placed the tin on our dresser, wrapped it in his Spencer blanket. Surrounded him with his stuffed animals, and his night light.

We had our son home.

That is where some of his remains still sit. The rest are part of his tree and bush in our yard.

It is a weird thing to go through. Something at the time I felt oddly detached from. I mean, being handed a gift bag and given condolences about it, was, and always will be one of the most unsettling moments of my life.

Today marks one year from that date and it is still a day I will always feel unsettled and at the same time grateful for. Grateful that we finally had our little boy home and would be able to make him a permanent part of our lives here in this home.

As the tree grows, as the bush blooms, as Kenzie and Peanut understand more of what those living pieces mean, he will become more rooted here, with us.

So happy to have had him home, but to anyone in that profession, can we skip the tissue and ribbon? It's just fuc**ng weird.