1st Night

Last night was the first night Emerson spent in his crib.

The first night he spent in his bedroom, that was once Spencer's.

I won't lie. It was exciting, sad, terrifying, unsettling and a few other choice feelings.

He did great. That part was awesome.

He woke, as expected around 2am for a feed.

I happily, and quietly went into his room and scooped him up.

Sitting in the glider with his night light glowing, and giving him his bottle, was when the feeling washed over me.

The feeling deep in the pit of my stomach, that this room was truly his now. It was no longer waiting for someone to fill it. It was no longer just stuff. It belonged to him.

It isn't Spencer's room, or what was Spencer's room anymore. It is 100% Emersons.

The feeling was both comforting and difficult. I loved that Emerson seemed content to sleep in there. He snuggled into me on the glider after eating, happily.

But it was still hard. Spencer never got to do those things.

I never got any of these moments with him. I never will.

This room sat, for over a year, waiting for that little boy to come and sleep. To be rocked, to be held, to be read to and changed in.

Now, that room is lived in. Emerson will claim that room as long as we live here.

But man, do I wish he was sharing it with Spencer. That Spencer got to be there, got to be rocked and held and comforted there.

But, that isn't reality.

The reality is, the room is just Emerson's and he did an awesome job breaking it in last night. Maybe he's got big brother watching out for him in there.

Whatever it is, that room is now a part of things, a lived in piece of our home and for that, I will breathe a sigh of relief and thanks.