Privilege

Spencer was with us for 43 days, because of the privilege we as his parents could afford him. Kenzie too.

We could give birth at one of the top hospitals in the country, we could make sure Kenzies surgery was there. We could make sure Spencer was in a top rated NICU.

We were lucky enough to be able to spend most of Spencers short life, with him.

I had a job that afforded me paid maternity leave, so I was able to take it, without hesitation. Spending almost all day, every day, with him.

My husbands job, while he wasn't truly on leave, was flexible with him to where he too could be at the hospital most days. We had family who could be there with Kenzie, and we could afford daycare for her during that time. That is privilege.

We had educations and backgrounds that allowed us to understand everything the doctors spoke to us about. We knew how to do the research to make sure we were asking the questions. We had the resources to support Spencer, had he made it home.

We could advocate for him, and ourselves in ways people without our backgrounds might not have been able to. That is privilege.

We never once had to think about what was being told to us, what we were being asked, if we could afford to take time off, if Kenzie had places to go and people to be with.

We were terrified of Spencer coming home and the 11+ specialists they were talking about him needing, but we knew we had the capability of supporting it.

We had a house that could easily support him for a while, and if it couldn't, we had the ability to move. To re-locate for a better set up, or a better school system, or whatever we might need. That is privilege.

When Kenzie had her heart surgery, then too, both of us had jobs that allowed us paid time off to be there for her. We knew she was at one of the best hospitals. We could see specialists if we needed. We could pay to park there for days on end. Eat at the cafeteria. Sleep in her room. That is privilege.

Don't get me wrong, all of our children's medical needs and associated costs, were big financial hits that we were not expecting. But we could weather them. We could survive them, and we will be able to build back what we lost. We had the resources to afford what we deemed necessary, and we had insurance that allowed us to not be bankrupted by it. That is privilege.

We have had hardship in our lives, but our privilege has made those hardships survivable.

For many, what we have gone through, would not have been.

If you think the protests, the #blacklivesmatter, the riots are about one instance. Or about just how police treat people of color, you are wrong. It is about privilege overall, and the systematic way race is used to keep people down or raise them up, no matter the other factors. The treatment of people of color by those in authority positions, those with power, is a big part of that.

I can not control the color of my children's skin, or the privilege it affords them. But I can recognize that privilege. I can teach my children to understand it, and how they should use it to the benefit of others. I can raise children who love and care for others, no matter their gender, race, orientation or anything else. I can teach my children kindness, forgiveness, and to look out for those who can't look out for themselves. I can show my children love, and support for them and the people in their lives. I can show them what it looks like to stand up for others, to fight for change, even if that change might not benefit them directly. To fight for justice, to be a helper, even if it is as simple as telling someone they care, and they are seen.

My privilege, and my children's privilege are why my daughter is a survivor. It is why I can tell them about their brother Spencer and the way he furrowed his brow. It is why I knew before Emerson was born that he had none of the conditions that Spencer did.

That privilege will only continue in their lives, and it is my job as their parent, to ensure they do good with those privileged lives, and grow to be good people who want to raise good people of their own. Because it is love, understanding, compassion and good people that will help us move forward. It starts with us. Here and now. It needs to be sown into the hearts of the generations to come. We need to root love, not hate, and it is my privilege to be able to do that.

For those saying all lives matter, I put this before you.

-Kenzie required throat surgery at 3mos, and open heart surgery at 1yo.

-Spencer spent 43 days in the NICU, with specialists, 24 hr care, more tests than I knew possible, oxygen support and more.

-Emerson came home 48hrs after being born, no medical conditions to speak of.

All of my children's lives matter, I love them all 100%. But I would never expect Emerson to have the medical support Spencer did. I was not mad that Emerson didn't get the same 24hr care as Spencer. Emerson did not need it. He was granted the gift of being healthy. He came into this world far ahead of where his brother was, and thus didn't need the type of support Spencer did, and I would not have wanted to take that type of support away from someone who needed it, when we did not.

All of their lives matter, but not all of their lives needed my support in the same way. Just as all humans matter, but not all humans need our voices, our support, our fight. Black Lives Matter because for far too long, people have treated them as if they haven't. And that ends when we acknowledge it, and fight for it to end.