Return to Routine

As I write this I am sitting on the train on my way to work.

This morning, I got up, got ready, got Kenzie ready, did daycare drop off and am now on my way to work...

I will work for the day, take the train home and begin the night routine of dinner, bath, bed.

The daily routine.

But, it's an odd routine for me. Because it is the same routine as before Spencer was born. We reverted back to a routine that we were never expecting to be doing. Yes, at night now I look out on the Spencer tree, and turn his nightlight on in our room, but that's it.

Within weeks of him being gone-our routine went right back to how it had been.

No needing to divide labor. No helping Kenzie learn to share. No middle of the night wake ups. No cleaning bottles or extra clothes. No changes that we had spent 9 months awaiting and worrying about.

It's a nice routine, but it's not the routine we should be doing. Our routine was supposed to have changed. We are supposed to be adjusting to the whole 2 kids thing. Instead, it feels like all of it was a dream, or a blip in time. It doesn't feel as real as it was because life went on in the exact way it had been going for years.

It's comforting that life can and does keep going, but there is always a small sense of discomfort. That feeling things are not quite right in the routine.

It will be this way forever.

Routines will change, but there will always be that underlying discomfort for me, that I am missing some step in the routine, that the routine is wrong, that I am ignoring some crucial part. I don't get to adjust my routine for Spencer, so I will live with the daily routine working but always feeling just that uncomfortable amount of wrong.