Goodbye Again

We got Spencer's tree planted yesterday. Honestly it was a relief but also felt like we moved so much closer to an end...

Before we got the trees we needed to transfer his cremains into the living urns to be put with the trees.

Already got dirty...just like little boys should be

I love what we are doing to remember him and honor him, and keep him with us, but the thought of 'burying' him had me a mess.

We plan to keep some cremains on our dresser in our bedroom.

The small container seemed so harsh and such a cruel reminder of what it held and what wasn't.

So, I wrapped it in his 'Spencer blanket, and surrounded it with his stuffed animals. His night light sits next to it, and we turn it on each night.

Family photos, night light, blanket, stuffed animals, pacifier and footprints from him and his sister....Spencers Spot

I plan to continue that tradition/set up, but for some reason the living urn piece, having to actually do something with his cremains, felt like a death all over again.

Maybe it's because it is one of the last things we 'get' to do for him? One of the last that directly involves Spencer. The last big thing we are doing actually for him.

Everything else- the memorial tattoos and eventually going through his room stuff is about him but doesn't directly involve him.

Even making the planned shadow box, or having a quilt done. No matter how many things I try to add to my 'to do' list-it is not a to do FOR Spencer list.

After this act it is just a to do in memory of Spencer or about Spencer, but I no longer have anything to actually do FOR him.

So, I cling to the little things. Turning his night light on, wrapping 'him' in a blanket with the little giraffe, singing him a song before I go to bed. I am not ready to be done doing things for him. But in a way, this was my last act-and maybe that is why this is so hard.

A friend told me that tending to his tree and bush will be a way for me to take care of him forever, and I suppose that is true. So, maybe once i have settled into the tree a bit, I will once again take up the mom torch and 'take care' of my son.

Spencers Tree