PNP

PNP-

Better known as a Pack-N-Play.

For a long time, the pack n play was a symbol. It was set up, ready to go before we left to have Spencer.

But, as days turned to weeks, having it set up next to me as I tried to sleep, was simply a constant reminder that Spencer wasn’t there. He wasn’t sleeping safely next to me. I wasn’t waking up to feed him. I wasn’t snuggling him to sleep.

Hell, when we were home, I couldn’t even pull up a camera or anything just to see him.

So, we took it down. Moved it into what was supposed to be his room, so it could remain ready, but not in constant thought.

We waited for the doctor to tell us he would be coming home, to set it up again. The first time the doctors starting preparing us to take him home, I washed the sheets again, and was ready to see it next to the bed. Even knowing the baby that would reside in it, would be much different than expected and that we would just be starting a long and scary journey.

But, by the next day, things had again changed. We were told to get ready for him to come home, three more times over the course of his short life. We even got trained on his NG tube, on the pump system they were sending home with us. We got signed up for the equipment we would need to rely on to feed him. We looked at mini backpacks designed to hold his pump in a way that would allow us to go out and not have it constantly be stared at.

As you all know, that never happened. He never came home.

When we were getting ready for Emerson I hesitated around the Pack N Play. Would I be ok seeing it empty next to the bed for a few nights before the hospital? What if he didn’t come home right away-would seeing it make me worry?

We pressed on. We set it up and when he came home, it was where he peacefully slept. Right next to my side of the bed. I could look over and see him without so much as sitting up.

We moved Emerson to his room and crib a bit ago, but the Pack N Play is still up. It’s like taking it down will cause dominoes to fall somewhere, or something else to come crashing down.

It also ends the time of babies coming home, sleeping next to me, being within earshot and eyesight of bed.

I know it needs to happen. I’m just not ready. How can it be time to pack it up when one of my children has never slept in it? It’s like taking it down is letting go again of a memory, and event, I will never have with Spencer.

At least for now, it remains. Being used for naps when our friends bring their babies over to visit. The extra use makes me smile and feel like somewhere Spencer is helping keep us all together.

Who know how much I would need to unpack, around a Pack-N-Play.