It’s that day again

Yes- today is the day. The anniversary or whatever you want to call it of the worst day of our lives.

Today is three years since Spencer passed away. Looking at it that way, it is horrible. So, I am trying to look at it, as three years since Spencer stopped suffering.

3 years since we told him it was ok to let go and be at peace. 3 years since we came to terms with the fact that we would not win the war and it was unfair to continue to have him fight battle after battle alone. 3 years since the medical teams resuscitated him over and over again over the course of just a few short hours just the day before. 3 years since we nodded our heads at the those who had been with us through it all, and walked silently to the room we would say goodbye. 3 years since we kissed him for the last time, held him, smelled him, sung to him, spoke to him, for the last time. 3 years since we walked out of Prentice with an empty carseat and broken hearts.

It has been three years, and this day will always be this day. When it has been 10 years and 20 years and 30 years, it will still be this day.

So today, I send his siblings to school, and allow myself the day off to hold onto him a little tighter, to stare at his tree a little longer, to hold his stuffed animal that lived his whole life with him. To sit with him.

Because today- no matter how at peace we are with the decisions we made, and how we knew Spencer was no longer hurting and we weren’t forcing anything on him anymore, no matter how many glimpses of joy and love I see in his siblings eyes that I feel from him, today will always be the day we said goodbye to our son, it will always be the worst day of our lives, and that is something that will never stop hurting.