He would be 3
Today, February 15th 2022 would have been my son Spencer’s 3rd birthday.
March 29th 2021, will mark 3 years since he passed away in my arms.
6 weeks. 43 days. The entire span of his life here with us.
Mine forever
The 6 weeks between these two dates are always difficult for me, Feb 15th acts like a prep date. A date I start to feel the unease, and fear of the inevitable crash that is March 29th. While March 29th, and on, is simply a reminder that I live, each day, in the crash aftermath. That the results of the crash, no matter how braced for impact I am, will always be the same and will always be with me.
His birthday is always a bright spot, a day we looked forward to, the day before we knew what was coming. But the 6 weeks after, a cold, gray cloud settles over me and my mind reminds me what those weeks in 2019 were. The hours, days, weeks spent fighting for him, for answers, for anything.
March 29th 2019 was and still is the hardest day of my life, and every year on that day I feel like I am holding tight to a life raft I know won’t be enough. Each day leading to it the rumbly cloud gets more agitated. Eventually a week or so later, the cloud lifts a bit and settles in it’s normal spot. Still above me, but less present and less unpredictable in its mood.
43 - the number of days we had with him…forever.
So while I only take his birthday and the day of his passing as days off, I give myself grace to not be my best during this time. Before his birthday, after his loss, a random day in November….
When you lose a child there are no real rules or guides to follow on dates like these, but I do my best.
As I take today and the next days and who knows to be ok with not always being ok, I ask for one thing.
For Spencer, take a minute from your day, from your zoom call, from your email, to be a little kinder, appreciate the little things, say hi, hug everyone tighter, laugh together, smile and just be. Because not everyone gets to do those things, and if the past few years have taught us anything, it should be that the people in our lives matter and no one ever felt badly for showing it.
Ok, maybe I’ll ask for two things. If you want to give-please donate to @FriendsofPrentice in honor of Spencers birthday, or in his memory. Prentice may not have been able to save him, but they did save us, and they did as much as they could to give us those 6 weeks with our son, and to give us years and lifetimes with his siblings.
I guess it’s fitting that for the past week, Emerson, who resides in the room Spencer would have as well, has said ‘No’ to every single good night song-except and suddenly, out of the blue, demanded Happy Birthday. A song that until this week, was not part of our nightly, or even weekly or monthly repertoire. Little man, looking out for big brother, and big brother sending a little message that he’s looking out for him too.