Happy Merry
It’s the holidays! Or so all my television commercials and hallmark movies are declaring.
Well, I was raised Jewish so my reality is that the holidays are already sort of over. But lucky me- my husband’s family celebrates Christmas so we get to do it all.
I love the holidays. Food, decorating, family, all that jazz. But holidays are also really hard. Memory photos pop up all over the place with me being very pregnant. Some are pictures of my pregnancy with Emerson, many are my pregnancy with Spencer.
Pregnant with Spencer Christmas 2018
They pop up on FB, google memories, my phone, my computer, wherever, whenever.
It is hard. To see the joy we had at the expecting arrival of our little boy. The joy the next year when we were expecting Emerson and the uncertainty at what it meant and how tentative we were about things.
We have ornaments on our tree for all the kids, we put lights in the Spencer tree, we acknowledge a piece of our family puzzle that isn’t here. But it is still a mixed emotional time.
It also acts as a strange countdown for me. We hit the new year and everyone feels a fresh clean slate, or excitement of the new year. I often feel like I am simply staring down the tunnel to the Spencer moments. Feb. 15th- his birthday, which would have been his 3rd this year. March 29th- the day he passed away, 3yrs this year.
And the 6 weeks in between, that every year, hit me like a crushing blow that knocks the wind out of me and reminds me of every emotion and moment of the 6 weeks we had with him.
I just want to happily get through the holiday, and then somehow run in place or around or over those 6 weeks. But I will do what I can to make the memories matter, to feel what I need to, to grieve and celebrate and anything else I decide. Because there is no roadmap or guidebook on how to get through this time. It is different for everyone who has been through such a loss.
One thing that I know helps me through all of this is being part of @FriendsofPrentice knowing I am putting the loss of Spencer into something good. That I have this amazing organization to look too and help impact and support has truly made the hardest moments, easier. Spencers loss matters so much and finally having a place I feel I can honor his legacy has been one of the greatest gifts of this year.
So celebrate your holidays, love the ones you are with, love those who are not, remember everyone is going through things happy and sad and you may not always see it, so just be kind. Not because it is the holidays, but because being kind can make all the difference to someone. And if you can, give a little something to a person, group, organization who maybe needs some extra holiday cheer.