Habits

I have a horrible habit. I bite my nails. Have since I was a kid. 

With the exception of one year.

The day after I had Spencer, I stopped. It wasn’t even something I consciously did. It was simply something I no longer had the capability of doing.

With all the tubes and wires and everything he was regularly hooked up to, holding him wasn’t as easy as holding a baby who was simply wrapped in a blanket. There were times he was hooked up to so much, we had to guarantee we could hold him for at least an hour, for the nurses to be able to move him to us.

He was fed through a tube, and I didn’t want to put him down or need a nurse, so I learned how to connect it all one handed while still holding him.

I didn’t have time or the ability to bite my nails. 

Which is odd considering everyone says you bite because of nerves and stress, but seriously, I don’t think I was ever more nervous or stressed. 

When I was home at night, it didn’t even cross my mind. 

After Spencer passed, I wanted to try and keep the habit gone. I used gross nail polish for a bit, but really the actual habit never really struck. I got manicures every so often, my ‘me time’. 

Then, just past his first birthday, I suddenly found myself biting again. Total subconscious act. I looked down one day and it hit me...when had I started biting my nails again? Why? Did my brain decide biting my nails was ok because there was no way I would need to be as cautious with Emerson? I wouldn’t need my hands to be unoccupied to hold him? Feeding him wouldn’t be an exercise in dexterity and hand strength?

Maybe it was a habit I could only break for Spencer and my brain recognized it had been a year, the time for holding onto him in that way was unnecessary or done?

I don’t really know. Maybe trying to quit again, during a pandemic isn’t the easiest way. 

But, Emerson deserves both hands attention and eventually when she is a bit older, I want to be able to get manicures together with Kenzie. So, I’ll start again and see how long I can go this time.