Guilt…

Parental guilt is a thing that every parent faces, from the second they become a parent. Part of the package.

Well, I've had parental guilt settle in for the long haul. Guilt that sits as a small pit in my stomach. Less cherry, more peach.

The guilt of losing Spencer.

I know, it wasn't my fault, I know we 'did everything we could', the doctors re-assured us as much as possible that we were making the best decisions for Spencer. That the battle we had been fighting was not ours to win.

That matters some- it prevents the guilt from being larger than it is, or from looming over how I parent Kenzie, but that doesn't mean the guilt doesn't still live with me.

I mean-we were told next steps we could take with Spencer if we wanted to keep fighting, but they got extreme quickly, and were only going to prolong the fight. The likelihood of winning, or coming out the other side was so slim it wasn't fair to even discuss. Not to mention had we won, his genetic conditions would have made the battle just the first of many, with no guarantees around the outcome of the others.

Sleep was not him being a good baby…it was a sign of how sick he was

I don't need platitudes about it not being my fault, and us being the best parents, and all that. Don't tell me not to feel guilty- because, guess what-

All parents feel guilty about something at almost all times!!

Usually stupid stuff, so it doesn't linger quite the same, but parental guilt is something we all have.

Giving our kids too much screen time, not enough outside time, too much sugar, not enough fun, turning away for a second and having them scrap a knee, watching over them every second and never letting them get a little banged up.

All parents have guilt over something, almost all the damn time.

So I don't need to be told 'don't feel guilty'. I just do. I was his mom, it is literally my job to carry some parental guilt for him, forever. Just as I will always have some tiny guilt for some inevitable slight or word or event I do or don't do with Kenzie.

The pit it not always pleasant, but for the most part, it is just there. As much a part of me as Spencer was. A small reminder that I will be his mom everyday of my life and carry that parental guilt that every parent is entitled to.

*Deer update-that has guilt too- fawn is still in the yard. Mom still visits but as the sibling is now off with mom, the baby is alone in the yard without family most of the day. We plan on attempting to help it get out of the yard on it's own later today. Maybe if mom comes tonight, he can go with them. Bc the best we can do right now is help it be with it's family- let them take care of her. Family is the most important- no matter how much time you have with them- if we can at least get the baby to be able to be with the family, that matters*