1,071,200

One million, seventy-one thousand, two hundred minutes.

Not quite the same ring to it as five-hundred twenty-five thousand, six-hundred minutes.

But that is how many minutes are in 2 years. And that is how long Spencer has been gone.

2 years. God, it feels like 2 seconds, 2 hours and 2 eternities all at the same time. Do I still remember how his hand felt holding my finger? Do I still remember how he smelled snuggled up on my chest for hours and hours every single day in that little room in the NICU? Do I still miss him every minute of every hour, even if that minutes feels like the happiest I have been in years?

Yes. Yes I do. It’s funny because at the end of 2019 I asked 2020 to just be better. Guess I should have been more specific or asked for more, but I didn’t really feel like I was in the place to do that. Considering all I had asked for during my prior two kids was that they were ‘happy and healthy’ and even that had proved too much. I didn’t want to ask 2020 for much. And, it delivered. It was exactly what I asked for. It was better than 2019- but in the worst way possible.

And so somehow in this mess of a year, we come to the ‘anniversary’ which is just, no. Like, really? no one says anniversary and thinks of something negative. Like if a restaurant (when we went to those) asks you if you are celebrating anything special, and you say and anniversary, they congratulate you. They bring cake or write on a plate in chocolate. No one hears anniversary and thinks ‘I’m sorry’. So I hate using that word. But that is what we are at.

2 years. 2 Fking years. This sucks. This sucks harder than I ever expected or thought possible. I mean, it just does and it always will and I hate this day and everything it reminds me of and that day was and will always be the worst day of my life, and I never want to relive it and I never want to remember it and I have to because it was my son and I will not forget any single moment of his short 43 days.

So here we are. 2 years into our loss. Life has changed, the world has changed, people have changed, and we just get further and further away from the time we had with him. I miss my little man, I miss that swell of happiness. I swallow harder when I think of him and my heart hurts more and feels heavier and it will never be something I don’t deal with.

My love for him has only gotten deeper, more compassionate, more kind. Spencer, you were one in a million and I wish I could hold you for 2 seconds more. 2 minutes. 2 hours. 2 decades. 2 eternities. But I will never get that chance. So today I spend it thinking of you, that the time you spent with us was worth it and that you will be thought of every minute of every day for my eternity.