Two
Today is your second birthday my dear Spencer. We should be sad at the state of the world, preventing us from celebrating. Instead it is a reminder of how long it has been since you were born. How long it has been since we celebrated you.
That day, we were so excited. You were going to complete our little family. In mere days we would be taking you home to meet everyone, to be the first baby we brought home to our new house, to meet your sister.
You should be running around the house, playing with your sister, driving us crazy, snuggling on the couch. Well, in my minds eye of what you would be like, anyway.
Another year, where you aren’t here. Where we will take the day to celebrate you and what you meant to us and how much we still think of you. We will make birthday brownies as is the tradition we decided on. We will talk about it being your birthday to your siblings and explain they are getting brownies because of you. Well, Kenzie anyway. Emerson is a bit too young still.
Kenzie is starting to understand that you were more than just a story we talk about, or a picture. That you were her little brother, that you are not here, that she doesn’t understand. We try to explain it in a way that makes sense but isn’t scary. A way that ensures doctors and hospitals are not something that means bad outcomes. That she knows you are not here anymore and that you live in our hearts. She gets it a bit, telling people you live in our hearts but also telling people you are sick and not here. It is tough to see her face as she tries to understand, as she figures out she will not meet you, realizes you are not just at the doctor and coming home soon. But the love she has when she talks about you being in her heart, and loving us and loving you, make it hurt a bit less.
The day will be hard but it will also be happy. When the day is done, the countdown to the anniversary of your final day with us, begins. The 6 weeks of life you lived are thought about, remembered, cared for. The weight of those too few days feels heavy, until we once again meet the other day that bookmarks your too short life. That day is like a weight that sits in the bottom of my heart. Alway there, always felt, always thought about, always a part of me.
But that is what begins tomorrow. Today is a day we remember how loved and happy and beautiful your birthday was, and how happy it made us. Today we have sprinkle brownies for Spencer.
And since we can’t give you presents my little boy- we donate. To your name, to the place you called home, so they know and remember and your name keeps giving.
Happy 2nd birthday my sweet boy. Mommy misses you.