Replacements
Someone recently asked me if we planned to 'replace' Spencer.
They immediately realized their mistake, and freaked out apologizing for a second.
I laughed it off- letting them know I knew what they meant.
Like I have said before...words can suck.
A lot of times people say things in ways they don't mean.
What they meant was are we planning on having another child. Are we planning on giving Kenzie a sibling she can grow up with.
A month ago, I would say-no clue. But honestly- we never saw Kenzie as an only child.
When everything first happened our answer was a hard no. We had no desire to take any risk involving having a child and not being able to have certainty around genetics and health.
Look, Spencer had 2 very rare genetic conditions. Conditions even the geneticists were surprised to see together. One of the conditions has two forms- one form, detected in standard pre-natal testing. The other form- a rarer version that literally requires 3 different events to occur to even make possible. Yeah. That was the version Spencer had. And he did not look to be on the 'easier' side of the conditions spectrum.
While the conditions were not the direct cause of his death, they were a large contributing factor that essentially 'doomed' him and made it virtually impossible for him to recover from what he would eventually pass away from.
So- did risking any of that on another child seem like something we would do? Hell no.
Are there things we can do to minimize the chances? Yes- but not get rid of the risk entirely.
When you have already been through throat surgery and open heart surgery before your daughter is one, only to have your 6 week old son pass away in your arms, the thought of even trying again is daunting.
Spencer-a few days old. Already under watch with breathing assistance.
But- we want Kenzie to have siblings, just like her dad and I do. I have never been one to let fear win, I don't expect it to this time either. But, that doesn't mean I am not terrified at the prospect. I mean, we don't seem to have the best genetic luck when it comes to our kids. But, Kenzie is an amazing kid, and Spencer would have been too, given the chance.
She loves all the babies. Real ones too.
Adoption? If it didn't cost a fortune, sure, maybe.
Fostering? Again, the idea of having another child potentially taken from me is far from something I could handle. So, sorry, but not something I could do.
So...here we sit, loving our daughter and knowing full well this house is too empty with just us. There is a room waiting to be what it is supposed to be. Eventually, it will be for someone again, but when that time comes, I know I will hold my breath until we are safe at home with our family feeling a bit more complete.