The Magic of Loss
Anyone who has ever lost someone after a battle of any kind, will tell you, there is a feeling to that loss.
A feeling of comfort, hope, ease, relief, peace, calm, some might even say joy.
This is not to say the loss isn’t hard, sad, terrible, upsetting and all those other things, it still is.
But
There is a magic to loss when you lose someone whose life had been overtaken by something other than themselves.
With Spencer, he spent his short six weeks here, fighting. Being tested. Being studied. Being questioned. Being figured out.
His life was about his conditions, not as much about him.
When he died, it was crushing. All encompassing crushing heartache and sadness and every other thing.
As time went by, the fog of that weight lifted and the magic began.
The magic of thinking about Spencer as a little boy, not as his conditions. When I look in the yard and see Kenzie playing, I smile and think of how much she would have loved Spencer chasing her, climbing the trees with her, painting pumpkins with her, sharing secrets and laughing.
The reality? if Spencer was still here, the likelihood of him being able to do most of those things as he grew up, was tiny. The combination of his conditions wouldn’t have him growing up as a little boy who could chase his sister. A kid who could steal her candy or climb her tree. Those were not in Spencers reality.
That reality was erased the second he passed away. Replaced instantly with a dream of our own making. In my thoughts, visions, dreams of Spencer his conditions don’t exist. They don’t define or limit him. He is free to grow up in my head as the little boy we thought he would be when he was first born.
That is magic. The fact that no matter how hard I try, the only visions I see of Spencer if he was still with us, are happy ones. Good ones. Magical ones.
Fall will always be my favorite
I don’t ever see him as sick, or unhappy. He never looks held back or restrained. There are no pumps or tubes or anything medical at all. He is just a little boy, laughing and running and playing. Growing alongside Kenzie as she does.
So while his loss is not something I would ever have asked for, wished for, wanted, and I tried to do anything and everything to prevent. I am glad that there is a magic in his loss.
The magic is what allows me to keep him alive and not have me crying every time think of him. The magic is why I smile when I see his tree and his sister and now his brother all together. The magic is what lets those of us who have faced loss after any sort of battle, keep going. The magic is why the losing the battle doesn’t cost us our lives too.
There is magic to a loss like mine, that leaves me with the knowledge that Spencer is ok. That how I see him now, is how he was meant to be and how he is and how it is ok to see him like that and think of him like that. It isn’t me forgetting the reality that we lived, it is me embracing the dream he gets to be a part of for the rest of my life.
The magic is there…just watch me smile when I look at his tree and know that is what I am seeing. That is why I can smile. Because I see Spencer and it’s magical.