Holidays

The holidays are a time of giving. For me, each year, I find a little boy to gift to in honor of Spencer.

I find someone randomly, through the many FB groups I am in around children’s hospitals, heart defects, genetic conditions. Something related to my kids and when I see a post or something i connect with, I reach out. It is my way of honoring Spencer and ‘gifting’ for him.

It’s funny, during our time with Spencer, we were sent prayers and well wishes. Good Karma, and thoughts, candles were lit for us, chants. Whatever was rooted in personal beliefs, people let us know they were doing.

Now. Now people continue to tell us we are in their prayers, thoughts. That Spencer is an angel or in heaven, or around us, or near.

Again, whatever their beliefs call them to feel.

For our own beliefs, we aren’t religious. We don’t pray, we don’t believe in a higher being, I don’t think of Spencer as an angel in heaven.

But it makes me feel good, that others do. That others connect their beliefs to my son. That they remember him and think of him in their own way.

Christmas tree and Hanukah bush- we do it all

I think of Spencer as always with me, I didn’t pray when he was born, but I wished to the universe to make things better. I swore at karma up and down that we had been through enough, and wasn’t it time to return the good? I told bad karma to lose my address, that unless I was pure evil in a past life, it had served me more than my fair share and there were others out there far more deserving of it’s wrath.

I know there are people out there who have been hit as hard and worse than my family, and the season helps me to stay grounded in that. Helps me pay it forward the good we do have and the memory of Spencer in a way that helps others and myself.

The world is a crazy place right now, but looking back at the loss of my son, and how people reached out. Looking at where we are now and how people still remind us that they remember him and we are not alone in that. It helps me see the good. It helps me know that people with differences of opinion, of faith, of religion, can come together, if at the heart, they are good people.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of not good people out there. To those, I say, keep me and my family out of your thoughts, prayers, whatever. Because we want nothing to do with the prayers of someone who can’t pray for all. Who doesn’t find equality, compassion, love, human rights, to be worth praying for or treating people with. My son would have been raised in a household of acceptance, love, compassion, giving, equal rights, science, black lives matter and more. So if that isn’t in your heart, feel free to keep my son out of it.

My sons memory is worth peoples goodness, and it is worth ensuring he is in the hearts of those who are good and kind and despite, or because of their faith, believe in being good people to Everyone.

So, I will continue my yearly tradition of passing that goodness on, to someone who has a good heart and just needs a reminder that there are people out there who see them, and care.

Especially this year- it is hard to see the good and if Spencer can help be a part of showing someone out there, that it exists, than I am all for it.