Birthday

Today you should be 1, my son. We should be celebrating, laughing, smiling, singing, stressing over the decorations, cake, and more.

Instead, I am thinking about how we walked into the hospital that day so full of joy and how by the end of the day, we would be holding onto that joy by a small string.

A small string, that would continue to fray, and eventually break. Taking you from us a mere 6 weeks later.

How your birthday showed me the unconditional love an infant can have for their family and how immense and protective a parent can be within seconds of meeting their child.

Your birthday makes me miss you, harder than I thought I could ever miss anyone or anything.

Your birthday makes me think of the impending birthday of your little brother, and wishing you were still here.

I think of holding you and how I wish I could have done it forever.

For your birthday, there will be no party. But there will be wishes and dreams of you and your tree.

We did get an incredible gift in the completed quilt from one of your Grandma's.

When you left us, I wanted a way to keep your time here in more than just pictures. So, I took all your onesies, swaddles and blankets and asked your Grandma to make a quilt out of them. Something we could look at and hold forever.

She went above and beyond.

She took the time to move and re-sew pockets and sayings into spots they would show, she removed zippers and snaps and feet to represent as much of what was yours as she could.

The front is the onesies you wore and the back is made up of blankets and swaddles that you slept snuggled in during your time here.

Today, this piece will be hung in our hallway- full of family photos, it will act as a permanent reminder that while we may not have many photos of you, your presence with us is still just as big.

Oh how I wish you were here. Oh how much my arms and heart ache for you.

Your sister and your brother will help fill that heart and those arms, but there will always be room. A space meant for you.

I love you my Spencer, for all the days, forever.

Happy Birthday my baby boy.