Back to Reality

Today was supposed to be my first day back at work after maternity leave.

The reality is that I returned a month ago. A choice I made for myself, that my company was gracious enough to let me make.

The new picture frame and photos of both my kids as babies for my desk return

I returned after having my son here for 6 weeks. I returned two weeks after he passed. One week after we had people to the house to say goodbye to the little boy they never met.

Most of my office, despite the long trek, came to my house that day...to say hi. Give hugs. Bring groceries (seriously appreciated) and see the photos we had put on the wall.

It may seem weird but as I said in a FB post, being in the office was actually somewhere I felt the most comfort.

It is where I spent the longest amount of time with Spencer in a way. After all, I went to work everyday for the 9 months I carried him.

They watched me expand.

They guessed gender and names.

They rubbed my belly for luck and gave hugs on my last day before I went on leave.

They knew Spencer, and I found it nice to be surrounded by that.

Now over a month in, I still find comfort in being here. It's an odd routine. So similar to the exact routine I made before Spencer was born. But with a new photo on my desk, a new caution around certain words, phrases, etc. I is comforting and off putting to be back into such a familiar routine after such a large life event.

But that is life...it keeps going, and with it, so do I.