Rainbows and Lies

Rainbow baby

PGAL

Terms that allude to a pregnancy/baby after loss. Now these terms are meant to encompass baby after any loss. Miscarriage, Still-birth, infant loss.

But it just doesn't feel like they do.

It feels like using that terms is widely assumed to be connected with miscarriage. Probably, because that is the majority of the time, when we see these terms.

But, If we have another child, and we call them our rainbow baby (which fyi-I HATE in this instance, because Spencer was not a fucking storm-he was my child-and losing him was a storm-but he was not!) it feels like people will assume we suffered a loss-and not the type of loss we did.

PGAL seems like more of a lie. Pregnancy After A Loss. But, my pregnancy was textbook, it was as solid as it could have been. So I feel like that term is more when your pregnancy didn't work out. When pregnancy was the hard part-the loss.

To those of you with rainbow babies- who proudly call them that, do photo shoots, celebrate them. That is awesome. But it just doesn't sit right with me. The storm of our time with Spencer will always be with us. And again, Spencer was my son- he was not some weather event.

And if anything...Kenzie is our rainbow baby. She kept us going through the storm. She is the reason we fought to stay afloat during it. She is who helped us see we could and needed to survive.

So once again, I feel stuck between terms that are meant to include, and somehow feel like I am fitting a square into a rectangle. Close, but not quite there.