4 months

Spencer would have been 4 months old today. I almost missed it.

Not because I didn't know the date or didn't care, but because I didn't have anything else to track. There are no regular reminders of the time moving forward with him, because it isn't.

No updates to track on weight, height, tummy time, sleep stretches. No logs in the baby tracker. No how much has he grown or what new skill has he tackled. No changes.

He would have been 4 months old today. But he isn't. His time stopped March 29th. His time stopped at 6 weeks. 43 days.

The last things I tracked for him were changes that day, really that week that signaled we were moving towards the end of his time, not his time ahead.

The last things I tracked were how many times in an hour they had to manually help him breathe on top of the help the machines were giving. How often had he turned blue. How long had each time lasted. How much Oxygen and at what levels was he getting. How long since the last test showed he was going downhill, and there was no way back up.

So, maybe I don't track his time because it's false. He would have been 4 months old, but he isn't. It feels more like tracking how long he has been gone than what these month markers are meant for.

Spencer, I love you. I will always know how old you were and how old you should be, but I don't need to mark something that isn't real. That is just a reminder of what isn't. 4 months is an empty amount of time in regards to you. 6 weeks...43 days. Those numbers carry the weight of the world for you, my boy. That number is forever, and it etched on my skin for just as long.